Fraud

You’re a fraud.

“Excuse me?”

What? You thought I’d never say it?

Did you think that I lacked the courage or that I couldn’t see it?

It’s so evident it’s borderline embarrassing.

You ask, “How are you?” one moment, the say “Goodbye!” the next.

Before I even got to say a word.

What response did you expect when you couldn’t share one breath?

You’re “busy”.

LOL.

I absolutely get it.

The most important thing in this world is time.

Who you devote it to might as well be your bride.

I love that excuse, as if you think that a year from now you’ll be less busy.

Think about that for a moment.

Excuse me… where was I? Oh, that’s right.

You smile as you listen to my stories – actually that’s false!

To listen you must hear and when we speak you’re clearly a world away.

Your smile’s as thin as a razor, cutting up my soul… maybe… if I still had one.

Be upfront next time.

As we said before, what matters most in this world is time, so please don’t waste mine.

Don’t say “hello” if all you’re thinking is goodbye.

“I was trying to be nice.”

Nice try. That’s a lie…

And you’re a fraud.

You’re “worried” about me you say? Don’t be.

I’ll be totally fine when you’re gone.

How do I know?

Well… that’s because all along, I’ve been a fraud too.

Inspired by Words of Radiance – Brandon Sanderson.

#lies #Sadeas

My Second Most Embarrassing Moment

As penance for not going through with my daily posts I’ve decided to add this more personal one. If I don’t put up a daily post in the future I’ll post my most embarrassing moment to date. Hopefully that won’t be necessary.

PS This post ties in quite nicely to my last, so do check it out.

Occasion: Prize-giving Night/Ceremony.

Setting: First place at new school after having failed miserably during the first couple of months of ‘integration’.

Location: Eaglesvale Preparatory School, Harare, Zimbabwe

Time: Sometime after 6 pm (which is usually full on night time in Harare.)

The night had gone better than planned. I felt immensely proud of my achievement and I was happy to note that I had brought joy to my parents as well as my little sister. Can you imagine that she elected to sit on my lap throughout the proceedings? That was really adorable, wasn’t it? Now she’s far too tall and old to do so without breaking my hipbone. Sitting to my right was the second placed student, Ruva was (I should probably say is unless she changed names) her name. She was giggling the whole time, something I guess I’d long attributed to her nature. If something was funny she’d let those around her know it, a redeemable trait if you asked me (at the time).

If you read my last post then you’ll understand why I was elated. I was beyond ecstatic on the night and the excitement I felt was just waiting for the right person then it would burst out of me… I could feel it bubbling throughout the ceremony, just waiting to erupt.

The proceedings kept the students winning prizes segregated from the main student body as well as their parents. So I would only be seeing mine (possessive pronoun because I love them) when they got to the car. Parents would have tea and cake, refreshments of all sorts waiting for them… students would have to find out where the cars were parked and wait there, in the dark.

I found the car. Mitsubishi Chariot, huge thing, especially to a ten year old version of myself – one who hadn’t encountered SUVs before. I waited in the dark for my parents to come so I could give them both hugs and share squeals of delirious delight. Then I saw my mother approaching, in the dark, and ran to her like a wild animal let out of it’s cage for the first time in years.

“Mommy! I…”

I’m sure you get it now… It wasn’t my mother I’d run towards… It wasn’t my mother who had witnessed me screaming gleefully… No, it wasn’t my mother… It was Ruva’s! And boy did she laugh.

I can hear it even now, eleven years on. I feel if there was an escalator between heaven and earth the people at the top would have been trembling from the shockwaves of her laughter. I’m sure that even in the vacuum of space it could be heard. So loud and genuine was her laugh that it shattered all of my ego. My large, proud head was brought down to size and then some. Oh – to top it off, her Mom giggled too…

To this day I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. Maybe I could have kept my cool better? But I was 10 and this was a major achievement for several reasons. Ruva’s mother was a bit on the plump and short side, especially in the dark. In 2006 my mother fit that profile. It was also dark and they were walking towards me. But I’d made a massive mistake. Before today only four people knew about it. The three that took part included. Only one of them remembers it vividly. (Unless I have DID/MPD.)

After the whole debacle, the next day even, I was told that they’d seen me make my way to the car and had wanted to congratulate me on my first place award. That obviously didn’t happen as planned. Completely bewildered by the awkward proceedings, Ruva’s mother found it best to abruptly change direction and her daughter and she went to the car using a different route.

“Ndiye Ayanda akangwara wacho iyeyu?” she asked incredulously as Ruva’s earth-shuddering cackle FINALLY subsided. This loosely translates to, “This is the genius you were telling me about? Really? This guy?” Only to have her daughter start laughing again.

Needless to say everytime I talk to my friend I recall this meeting. Thankfully she doesn’t bring it up (too often). It may have happened over a decade ago but it still ranks second on my list of embarrassing moments.

 

 

Bye Bye Twitter, Bye Bye Loneliness

Dear Blog,

I actually really like that salutation. I think I’ll use it from now on whenever I’m directing my thoughts, feelings at you, yes YOU you inanimate being.  Or should I direct my content to my readers? (cue the negative half of me saying,  “What readers?“) I’ll think about it. Anyway, to the point of this post. I feel sad. Yes that is an elementary level sentence but there’s no better way to describe the way I’m feeling right now. I just left the one thing that was keeping me together because it was also the one thing that was holding me back. I’ve decided it’s time to move on. This is where I say, “Goodbye Twitter.”

For the past 2 months (yes it seems kinda short but it really isn’t) every spare moment I had was basically spent doing one of three things: sleeping (duh), surfing the net about football related articles and, most of all, tweeting. The latest of my activities, tweeting, was something I picked up from a girl a long-ish time ago. Why I revived it now… who knows? My only guess is that it was possibly an outlet for me. I have loads of statements floating around in my mind. I even have full-blown conversations with myself occasionally… not OUT LOUD… well, at least not all the time… but I have never really found the right medium to express myself? Is that it? Not sure.

I’m in a foreign land. That shouldn’t matter too much to me because I’m unbelievably confident, perhaps even over-confident… at least that’s what I kept telling myself… but something just wasn’t clicking. The people were great! Banter came so naturally to most of them and anyone who can read minds would know that I crave good banter  – but I just couldn’t click with any of them, you know? It felt like I was surrounded by talking mannequins. They may look pretty but somehow it just isn’t right. Don’t get me wrong, the place is great, the people are great and I’m still me but I always felt like that odd piece in the jigsaw… like that one piece you can’t fit anywhere in Tetris. Fitting in just wasn’t working… I mean I had several acquaintances but no real friends. I was cool with several people but tight with none of them… except for the one guy with the unbelievably goofy and frankly sometimes terrifying smile – but he only ever popped up in the world BEHIND the mirror, forever out of reach.

So I had a dilemma. How to fix it? Oooh, I know! Let’s visit that place where everyone voices their opinion. Maybe you’ll find like for like. Maybe you’ll find friends. That’s what I told myself and I bolted, like a very thirsty desert rat after a distant oasis. Only that oasis wasn’t really an oasis. You just gotta hate mirages because that’s all Twitter was. It was a beautiful mirage. But it was never real. The same thing occurred. My electric personality (LOL) earned me a cult following. I was added to group chats by people I did not know. I received direct messages from people who liked the positive impact I had on their lives. I poured hours and hours of my time in to fragile, frankly meaningless relationships with people who probably wouldn’t shed a tear if I died today. Whoa that came out sounding terribly morbid. Even I didn’t know that’s what I was thinking all along, but there you have it.

So… I’m done. I’ve said my goodbyes. I’ve spoken time and time again about the importance of (I bet you guessed it) time. I can’t go on not doing the things that’ll progress my life.

What am I doing here then? Is this any different? Well, I’ve always wanted to write. To compile my thoughts, unaltered by others’ opinions. This is the perfect platform for that I think. If it turns out awry I’m prepared to try something else… not because I’m a quitter but because I’m learning to realise what’s not good for me a lot quicker. I might go back to Twitter one day; I want to be famous after all. Not just so that I could walk on the red carpet with Margot Robbie and Cara Delevigne (although I would donate certain parts of my body gleefully to do just that) but because I’d have the platform to share what really matters to me. I’d have the megaphone required to really, definitively impact every life positively. And that’s something I wasn’t doing as much because I would spend every other waking moment chasing after what is a mirage for the time being.

What about the loneliness I’ve been feeling according to this post? I read somewhere that your talents will bring people towards you, kings even. So I’ll focus on being the best I can be in what I do and those people that I need in my life will come. After reading a certain someone’s blog, can’t even pronounce their long ass name if I tried, it hit me that I’ve been foolish for a long while. I’ve never truly been alone, I just chose to see it like that. Time to change my perspective.

Thanks for reading this. Be blessed.

Yours sincerely,

Joe

If I Had A Superpower

The idea of human beings with supernatural abilities has fascinated me from as early as I can remember. I guess it doesn’t help that I was born during the golden age of animation. Because of my exposure to animated characters with ‘abilities’ and what I believe is the natural human behaviour of seeking out things “beyond normal”, I spent a considerable period of time wishing I had superpowers… and I still do.

I guess it really took hold of me when I watched the movie, Spider-Man, starring Tobey Maguire. A regular (perhaps even sub-regular) high school kid developed spider-like abilities after being bitten by a radioactive spider. He transformed totally and became someone even remotely worthy of emulation. I chased spiders down, alright! They never bit me, thank God, but that certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.

Then came one of my favourite songs after having featured on “Space Jam”‘s soundtrack titled, “I Believe I Can Fly”. Thank the Lord our house was a single storey building or I wouldn’t be able to share this story at all (because I’d be dead or lame). I then grew up (if only physically) and moved on to immerse myself in books, movies, tv shows and animation centred around superhuman individuals. I immersed myself so much so that I would spend any spare moment in bed creating worlds and stories with me (or a character I called “myself”) as the protagonist; imbued with supernatural powers often on a quest to save humanity in as aesthetically pleasing a manner as possible.

When I pranced into adolescence the focus shifted from looking cool and enjoying myself to looking cool and enjoying myself while winning some girl’s (or girls’) heart(s) over. Those were good times. Unfortunately I don’t do that anymore. Perhaps because when I’m in bed all I want to do is sleep. Maybe I should try start again? It did keep my imagination active. Leave your suggestions in the comments.

“What powers would I give myself ?” you ask. Said powers would range from controlling the weather to just ice or any one of the elements. Super-speed and control over lightning were among my favourites. Mind-reading and mind-manipulation (don’t judge me). Super-strength, invisibility, you name it, I day-dreamt it! How I would acquire these powers would vary. Sometimes I would be in a very difficult spot and they’d naturally manifest due to extreme distress. Other times I had to BELIEVE. And often I would have an encounter with a supernatural being, perhaps saving them in an act of selflessness. I would then be granted a wish or given powers as a reward for my bravery. It goes without saying that the supernatural being would be a girl oftentimes because puberty dictated it so. Over time I singled out the one superpower I loved more than all the rest. The power of super-speed.

“Why super-speed?” you ask. Well super-speed catered for each and every stage of my growing up. In the very early stage it would allow me to show off. Athletics was probably the most exciting of the sports in school and with super-speed I’d be a guaranteed winner in every race. There was also the fact that I could steal anything without being noticed, play a prank on anyone without being caught, read answers from my textbook during the exam and more so fast that I would never have to worry about anything. As I got older, *ahem… puberty*, I came to the realisation that although invisibility would allow me to peek and do some of the naughtier things in life, it would not allow me to get away if somehow caught in the act. This is my blog (LOL) so I’m going to elaborate whether you like it or not. If you want to save yourself you might want to skip to the next paragraph. So it came across me that invisibility would allow me to peek at girls in the shower. That was an attractive prospect, unfortunately I’d still be tangible. I would also still be audible and just as fast as I am normally. On top of that I wouldn’t be able to reach places I normally wouldn’t be able to reach etc. In that frame of mind, peeking would become a whole lot more difficult to do without being found out. Embarrassing as it may be, these thoughts plagued the early adolescent version of myself. If I was unable to move out of the way when some unexpected development occurred my presence would be noted, albeit anonymous. Now that I say it it does sound quite exciting but the danger would be too great. With super speed I could be behind said person all day without being found out. I’d move too fast for sound to pick up and if they turned around I’d move at the same speed as their head turned to not be noticed. (Yes a younger me thought about all of this. I’m as shocked as you are to find this out now that I’m writing it all down). Along with many other fine points which I will discuss at another point, super-speed is an ability you can find useful throughout the day at any point in time. Wherein something like flying, invisibility or mind-reading, although wonderful, can only be used at certain times.

Now that I’m in my early twenties I realise that time is of essence. No other super power, except perhaps one that manipulates time allows you to have “more time”. Super-speed does. With super-speed I would be able to complete my tasks rapidly. As time is a relative quantity, the very fact that I could move faster than everything else would make life “slow down” in relation to me, allowing me to have more time than others on this glorious earth. Of that time, more would be allotted to the things I care about as all the annoying but necessary tasks would be completed as quickly as possible (and that would be very quick with these powers). Imagine finishing every assignment in a day… studying for your whole degree in an hour. That would be possible with the super-speed ability. Exams wouldn’t need to last that long and one could find out what they’re best at since they have all the time in the world to try out everything… if not they have all the time in the world to master what they are not good at. If I had super-speed it wouldn’t have taken me this long to finish typing this blog. If you had super-speed you would have finished reading it much sooner and would have gone on to do what mattered most to you… and possibly finished that too.

Here’s to super speed! If I get a new body after death I pray I have it.