WTF: The Internet Is Full Of Dirty Genii

I came across a LifeAccordingToJimmy video on YouTube titled: “5th Grade recess” and I really enjoyed myself not just because of the video, the video was quality, definitely! But I read the comments as I usually do and came across some of the dirtiest, slightly gross but in my opinion funny jokes to do with the physique of one of the actresses. I don’t know her name, I didn’t take the time to research the characters in the skit but one thing was apparent and aptly stated by one YouTube comment writer, Marcus Wellz, who said: “That’s a huge rack for a 5th grader”. This man opened the floodgates and boy did he do it well.

Now don’t get me wrong. I appreciate people for their character but more often that not I have a view on them based on their appearance. Now does that make me superficial? I don’t know, you decide. I just can’t imagine seeing someone and not thinking anything about what I’m seeing. I would also like to get the point across that I do not see anything wrong with having “a huge rack” or a little one for that matter. Both are magnifique in their own way. Marcus was right about the rack by the way.

Following that blockbuster of a comment others decided to chime in with their thoughts and “expert” opinions. An interesting thread began after one intelligent bloke opted to remind everyone that looking at a 5th grader’s rack isn’t socially acceptable. This led to an onslaught of dirty pedophilia-related jokes. I’ll list the wickedly devious, beyond ridiculous popular responses below:

Beware the comments below are quite dirty minded and involve pedophilia-related humour. If you can’t stomach such humour I advise you skip the list.

Old enough to count, old enough to mount
+Marcus Wellz If there’s grass on the wicket, it’s time to play cricket
+Thompson Summers old enough to pee, old enough for me
+Anthony lee If they’re old enough to bleed, they’re old enough to breed
It gets even more crass
+Thompson Summers if shes on the clock, she’s ready for the co…
If she’s old enough to cross the street, she’s old enough to get the meat
old enough to cross the road, ready for the load
if she knows her manners, she can take the hammer
+Thompson Summers OLD ENOUGH TO BREATHE, OLD ENOUGH TO BREED
If you ask me I’d say that last guy was quite intense. I have to hand it to them though, even though they were derogatory (somehow that word feels inadequate) the jokes they came up with were quite witty and I laughed my ass off, metaphorically speaking. I’ve only ever come across similar gut-crunching comments in anime forums and more often than not, unfortunately, they deal with the topic of incest which is for some unknown reason is popular in manga and anime.
Anyway I hope you enjoyed or were at least appalled by this post. If neither… well… then I worry for you very, very much.
If you’d like to see the video and the comments as well as the girl with the “huge rack” for yourself you can do so by entering this link in your browser:
Advertisements

I AM Crazy… What’s The Problem?

After chilling on this beautiful planet for just about two decades, interacting with beings that look like me, opposable thumbs and all , one would think that I would know the social norms and adhere to them. Turns out that isn’t the case. Actually, it isn’t the case with several other humans as well. I decided to call the term “normalcy” into question when I was reproached, albeit non-verbally, for speaking aloud while alone… you know, because somebody you’ve never met decided it was weird.

Speaking aloud when alone makes you crazy

I decided to do some research on the signs of craziness, more politely known as mental illness. According to webmd.com (I don’t know how reputable they are but their website was at the top of the results of a quick Google search) the signs for mental illness include:

  • Confused thinking
  • Long-lasting sadness or irritability
  • Extremely high and low moods
  • Excessive fear, worry, or anxiety
  • Social withdrawal
  • Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Strong feelings of anger
  • Delusions or hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not really there)
  • Increasing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Denial of obvious problems
  • Many unexplained physical problems
  • Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol

I don’t know how I feel about this list. I’ve read it over a couple of times and I wish I could say that it’s totally bonkers. Unfortunately that would mean I’m proving the third last statement correct. I’m going to go through each of the points and briefly mention what I think.

Ok, look… Maybe it’s just me but I always assumed that people, especially those transitioning through uncertain periods of their lives, like I am at the moment, experience all of these rarely, often or on a daily basis (depending on the person) and it’s absolutely normal. Isn’t it? I am confused at certain periods. Who doesn’t ever get confused? Next up, sadness and irritability… some dude probably thought of a misogynistic joke right now (shame on you) but don’t we all experience those? Aren’t they a part of our emotional spectrum? Excessive fear… “excessive” compared to what exactly? Normal people? Social withdrawal… no comment. Dramatic changes in eating and sleeping habits – two words – college student. Strong feelings of anger – one word – tuition. Delusions and hallucinations? Others argue that life itself is some kind of a hallucination, that hopes and dreams are delusions because face it, how many people get to achieve what they dream? Does that make it a delusion? Dreaming or imagining something that doesn’t/probably won’t ever happen? Daily problems aren’t easy to solve. Hence the term “problem”. I think it makes sense to not be able to cope… unless it’s math… then again it still makes sense because math can be hard. Thoughts of suicide – again, no comment… actually I will comment. If you never think of committing suicide, hat off to you mate! Denial of obvious problems – watch any movie ever and tell me that that isn’t a part of human nature. Unexplained physical problems? Answer: Puberty. Last but not least, abuse of drugs. That makes most of the UK crazy by definition. Also, sleep is not a drug but if it was (were?) I certainly abuse it alright.

Let’s face it, if this was a test then I would have failed miserably. Looking at this checklist I’m definitely “crazy”. Perhaps I’m reading the bullet points out of context. Maybe I’m confused/deluded. To be honest I don’t know what I feel about this anymore. At least I can say that talking to oneself aloud isn’t on the list in spite of the assumption that many “crazy” people share that trait.

One thing that I would like to get across: crazy/weird is whatever strays from the mean. If you aren’t like everybody else then there has to be something wrong with you – that’s the general consensus. But who is the standard? Who sets the standard for what is normal? What did they do to earn that right?

In my honest opinion, as long as you hurt nobody, including yourself – it really doesn’t matter… just do you.

That Awkward Moment When Romcoms Are Better Than Real Life

‘That Awkward Moment’ was lovely as hell… well, if hell was lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie after what was probably my fourth time viewing. The banter… the writers need to be paid double whatever they earned for their fine work. If I had a friend who had the verbal prowess of any of the three main characters, portrayed by Zac Efron, Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan, I’d immediately ask for their hand in marriage, be they female or otherwise. And Imogen Poots… my word! Her character was gifted with the perfect measure of quirkiness, wit and authenticity. She was unbelievably cool. If she were real and if we met, it would be love at first sight, at least from my point of view.

In all honesty I fell in love with the characters in the movie, so much so that I had that pang of disappointment when I knew the end was fast approaching. I know that at times it’s cheesy, I know that it’s almost impossible to experience anything similar in real life, I know they swear a lot more than is acceptable but that’s what makes it so wonderful – it’s different from what I encounter every other day. That’s what makes it better.

Now hold up. Why is a romcom, a ROMCOM better than real life? I guess that’s what it’s meant to be. There’s a sad period in most romcoms somewhere but there’s almost always a happy ending. The best part being that the happy ending is achieved in under 2 hours. Real happy endings take a very long time, freaking forever. It’s not even funny. So I guess that’s one of the reasons romcoms are amazing.

There’s also the idea that every protagonist nearly always finds “the One”. If I can remember the Zac Efron line that brought out the inner girl in me it went something like:

“I wasn’t afraid because I thought she wasn’t the one… I was absolutely terrified because I knew she was.”

I mean come on! Doesn’t that just make your spine quiver? There was even a major arc in this movie dedicated to MBJ’s happily ever interrupted by a gruesome divorce… Yet they still find a way to make the movie have a happy ending for everyone involved. How? Why must the ideal and the real be so damn parallel? The author of life surely didn’t intend for it to be this way?

Books and movies and novels are meant to inspire us by letting us know what could be. Key words: what could be. It should be possible to have conversations filled with great banter. “The One” should exist for every single one of us. Life should work out but it very often doesn’t. Why is that the story of humanity? Please make life better than a romcom. That’s all the girl in me really wants LOL.

Thing is; we can do it… we really can! All we need is to cast aside the masks that we wear. All we need is to be the diverse beings we truly are and stop trying to be like that ideal person because newsflash, the ideal person doesn’t exist. Ideal self does. And if everyone was their ideal self then… then we’d be talking. Then we’d be on our way to that world whose script is a reputable number of times better than the romcom I watched this evening. Then ‘That Awkward Moment’ wouldn’t be better than real life, and that would be awesome.

Different

My eyes are aching… I should be sleeping but I’m not.

I’m some kind of rebel – you could say that I’m some kind of rot.

A dent on the body of the being they call “normal”

I guess it’s ok coz weird is what I call normal.

I’d rather die, jump off of a building so I could fly

For a little then die than just get by

Doing nothing awesome, doing nothing at all inspiring

Because trying to fit in is only much more tiring

Than being different – which is what we were meant to be.

What we need to be; to be truly free.

We’re all unique, more so than our fingerprints.

Like it  or not, each one of us is totally different.

Imaginary Conversation (With A Pretty Girl)

Boy: Hey

Girl: Uhm… Hello.

Boy: You’re really pretty.

Girl: Well you’re really straightforward!

Boy: I was told honesty is the best policy.

Girl: That’s rather cliché of you, don’t you think?

Boy: Cliché? Maybe it is… my source of advice isn’t very… young shall I say.

Girl: Next you’re going to tell me your source of advice is your Grandma.

Boy: *feigns it but it looks like genuine surprise* Wait… you know her? How did you know? Have you met her before?

Girl: What? No. *laughs*

Boy: Ah. There we go. Mission complete. *Stands up to leave*

Girl: Wait… So that’s it? *raises eyebrow* That’s all you’ve got?

Boy: What? I think you may have mistaken my intentions, miss.

Girl: Oh I see. Well that was rather uninspiring. I’m disappointed.

Boy: I guess I failed my mission *moves to sit down*

Girl: No, no, it’s fine. No need to sit down again. I’m actually waiting for a friend so you might as well head on your way.

Boy: I seem to have offended you. Might I ask how?

Girl: *scoffs* I’m not offended. I’m just surprised.

Boy: By what exactly?

Girl: I expected more than just a “mission complete”. That came off as rather lame don’t you think?

Boy: You want to hear something awesome about that?

Girl: What?

Boy: … to be honest I wasn’t expecting you to respond so I didn’t have an answer ready.

Girl: *laughs* Oh my God, you’re hopeless!

Boy: See? That’s it! Right there! That’s what I was trying to do.

Girl: *wipes away tears* to prove how hopeless you are?

Boy: Well there’s that, but more importantly to make you laugh. That was my mission.

Girl: *sarcastically* That’s rather gallant of you.

Boy: I wouldn’t say that to be honest but it’s something I’ve always believed in. Making people happier than they were before I met them. I saw you sitting there with God knows what on your mind and I just had to try and make you laugh. You did, hence mission accomplished! *flashes her a toothy grin*

Girl: Maybe you aren’t so hopeless after all. I guess I should say thank you?

Boy: No need. But so as not to be impolite, you’re welcome… in actual fact I should be the one to thank you!

Girl: *quizzical look* Now why is that?

Boy: I don’t always accomplish my mission. Some people just won’t have a stranger chat with them no matter their intent.

Girl: Maybe it’s because we mustn’t talk to strangers?

Boy: Who’s being cliché now? *pointed look, gentle smile*

Girl: *smiles back* Touché.

Boy: You want to hear something astounding?

Girl: Surprise me.

Boy: You’ve done a great job cheering me up by talking to me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. *rises*

Girl: Wait… you’re joking right? Really? You looked you’re doing the same thing as before.

Boy: Ah yes but this time I’m leaving you with a smile on your face. Have a good night…?

Girl: *raises eyebrow* I’m guessing I’m supposed to fill in my name? *laughs*

Boy: I guess I’ll call you Aida.

Girl: What an odd name… why Aida?

Boy: It means happy and judging by the look on your face it’s accurate and it suits you… It’s been a pleasure meeting you Aida.

Girl: Hmmm. At least I’ve learned something new today. May I ask? What’s your name?

Boy: Call me Joe.

Girl: Joe… you’re not so regular are you?

Joe: I’d like to think so. Thanks. Hopefully I’ll see you around, Aida?

Girl: Vanessa… It’s Vanessa. And yes. I hope I’ll see you around too.

The End

 

 

If I Had A Superpower

The idea of human beings with supernatural abilities has fascinated me from as early as I can remember. I guess it doesn’t help that I was born during the golden age of animation. Because of my exposure to animated characters with ‘abilities’ and what I believe is the natural human behaviour of seeking out things “beyond normal”, I spent a considerable period of time wishing I had superpowers… and I still do.

I guess it really took hold of me when I watched the movie, Spider-Man, starring Tobey Maguire. A regular (perhaps even sub-regular) high school kid developed spider-like abilities after being bitten by a radioactive spider. He transformed totally and became someone even remotely worthy of emulation. I chased spiders down, alright! They never bit me, thank God, but that certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.

Then came one of my favourite songs after having featured on “Space Jam”‘s soundtrack titled, “I Believe I Can Fly”. Thank the Lord our house was a single storey building or I wouldn’t be able to share this story at all (because I’d be dead or lame). I then grew up (if only physically) and moved on to immerse myself in books, movies, tv shows and animation centred around superhuman individuals. I immersed myself so much so that I would spend any spare moment in bed creating worlds and stories with me (or a character I called “myself”) as the protagonist; imbued with supernatural powers often on a quest to save humanity in as aesthetically pleasing a manner as possible.

When I pranced into adolescence the focus shifted from looking cool and enjoying myself to looking cool and enjoying myself while winning some girl’s (or girls’) heart(s) over. Those were good times. Unfortunately I don’t do that anymore. Perhaps because when I’m in bed all I want to do is sleep. Maybe I should try start again? It did keep my imagination active. Leave your suggestions in the comments.

“What powers would I give myself ?” you ask. Said powers would range from controlling the weather to just ice or any one of the elements. Super-speed and control over lightning were among my favourites. Mind-reading and mind-manipulation (don’t judge me). Super-strength, invisibility, you name it, I day-dreamt it! How I would acquire these powers would vary. Sometimes I would be in a very difficult spot and they’d naturally manifest due to extreme distress. Other times I had to BELIEVE. And often I would have an encounter with a supernatural being, perhaps saving them in an act of selflessness. I would then be granted a wish or given powers as a reward for my bravery. It goes without saying that the supernatural being would be a girl oftentimes because puberty dictated it so. Over time I singled out the one superpower I loved more than all the rest. The power of super-speed.

“Why super-speed?” you ask. Well super-speed catered for each and every stage of my growing up. In the very early stage it would allow me to show off. Athletics was probably the most exciting of the sports in school and with super-speed I’d be a guaranteed winner in every race. There was also the fact that I could steal anything without being noticed, play a prank on anyone without being caught, read answers from my textbook during the exam and more so fast that I would never have to worry about anything. As I got older, *ahem… puberty*, I came to the realisation that although invisibility would allow me to peek and do some of the naughtier things in life, it would not allow me to get away if somehow caught in the act. This is my blog (LOL) so I’m going to elaborate whether you like it or not. If you want to save yourself you might want to skip to the next paragraph. So it came across me that invisibility would allow me to peek at girls in the shower. That was an attractive prospect, unfortunately I’d still be tangible. I would also still be audible and just as fast as I am normally. On top of that I wouldn’t be able to reach places I normally wouldn’t be able to reach etc. In that frame of mind, peeking would become a whole lot more difficult to do without being found out. Embarrassing as it may be, these thoughts plagued the early adolescent version of myself. If I was unable to move out of the way when some unexpected development occurred my presence would be noted, albeit anonymous. Now that I say it it does sound quite exciting but the danger would be too great. With super speed I could be behind said person all day without being found out. I’d move too fast for sound to pick up and if they turned around I’d move at the same speed as their head turned to not be noticed. (Yes a younger me thought about all of this. I’m as shocked as you are to find this out now that I’m writing it all down). Along with many other fine points which I will discuss at another point, super-speed is an ability you can find useful throughout the day at any point in time. Wherein something like flying, invisibility or mind-reading, although wonderful, can only be used at certain times.

Now that I’m in my early twenties I realise that time is of essence. No other super power, except perhaps one that manipulates time allows you to have “more time”. Super-speed does. With super-speed I would be able to complete my tasks rapidly. As time is a relative quantity, the very fact that I could move faster than everything else would make life “slow down” in relation to me, allowing me to have more time than others on this glorious earth. Of that time, more would be allotted to the things I care about as all the annoying but necessary tasks would be completed as quickly as possible (and that would be very quick with these powers). Imagine finishing every assignment in a day… studying for your whole degree in an hour. That would be possible with the super-speed ability. Exams wouldn’t need to last that long and one could find out what they’re best at since they have all the time in the world to try out everything… if not they have all the time in the world to master what they are not good at. If I had super-speed it wouldn’t have taken me this long to finish typing this blog. If you had super-speed you would have finished reading it much sooner and would have gone on to do what mattered most to you… and possibly finished that too.

Here’s to super speed! If I get a new body after death I pray I have it.