Careful Not To Eat Your Fingers

Oh God that Twix joke was so freaking awful – so much so that I won’t forget it. Truly speaking ever since then we’ve been true nakama. Some Naruto-Sasuke level friendship wherein no matter how much you may occasionally annoy me, and no matter how much cringe I may induce, we’ve always got each other’s backs.

I probably would have imploded were I to have gone through these last three years by myself. But I’m still here and I’m still in a “stable” mental state – and a large part of that is down to you.

I truly am glad to have gone through the past three years with you; ups and downs included! As you turn 22 I look forward to seeing more growth: I look forward to seeing you graduate, develop super successful apps and earning six (correction N-I-N-E!) figure income in Texas! There is a lot to be excited for and if there’s anyone I believe in to make it to the very top it’s you!

Happy 22nd Birthday mofos!

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Sincerity: A Prayer

Dear God,

I miss you. I love you. Thank you SO much! I’m… devastated.

What does it take to be sincere? To say the words above and say them with your heart and soul?

Does it take a tragedy for me to be crushed in spirit? Can I be so happy I can’t say a thing at all? What does it take to be sincere?

“I so glad to see you. I really missed you guys.”

8880 km, 23 HOURS  from Seoul to London. All just to see her friends.

That’s sincere.

Crying when it was time to say goodbye.

That’s sincerity.

God, please teach this robot genius to be sincere.

 

Validation

“Trust me – lean on me – that is what I’m here for.

Give me your heart! I promise I’ll take care of it.

I’ll shield it with my arms – with my soul if I have to.

For your peace of mind there’s nothing that I won’t do.

 

 

“Why?” you ask me.

“Well it’s because I am benevolent.”

I lie through my teeth with a smile so innocent.

“Lies!” I say I whisper shortly after a moment’s hesitation.

“Honestly speaking? I just needed your validation.”

To Increase

To start this off if you ask Google you’ll find ‘Ayanda’ means to increase / they truly are increasing. Wherein increase = progression:

Therefore I cannot afford to be stagnant at any point in my life.

– this is a stolen quote XD

Normally at this point in time we like to look back and talk about all the good things that we can remember, all the great stuff we’ve done. I do that every other day though, that’s probably why I smile more than I should; so today I will do something different. I want to focus on what needs to be improved upon from this moment on.

Commitment is an issue. There I said it! It’s been easy for me to heavily invest in the things that matter the least, knowing full well that there are more important things to be done. I guess this is a fault of the illusion of time, that I have more than enough time to do what matters so I might as well enjoy myself for the time being. It’s also tied to a deeper rooted issue that I only just recently discovered, pride.

See I always thought a proud being is one who boasts about their achievements. “Look at me now! This is what I’ve done.” So I’ve tended to shy away from that except for the odd anti-self-deprecating humour. But the other definition kinda shocked me: self-satisfaction. That’s right, to be wholly satisfied with oneself. Self-esteem is very important, duh, but when it gets to the point where you think you already are the best version of yourself then you’re not only deluded, you’re prideful. And I was (hopefully not anymore?). That’s why I falsely believed that I could achieve anything (a good thing) without much effort (an absolutely awful mentality). This has to change or else stagnation won’t just be a possibility, it’ll be the only certainty and a sure fire way to regression.

Vision I have. Maybe even too much? You’d think with goals in front of me I’d be raring to go but the seemingly everlasting issue of long-term discipline, or shall I say lack thereof, has severely debilitated me. I have a plan for it. Start with the obvious things which you can see day by day. Drink that 2L of water daily, update this damn blog (I’m sorry baby you know I love you) at least once a week and make time to reflect on the day’s achievements every evening. Hopefully the next time I do this; this issue will finally be crossed off.

I come to the realisation that I am ever so good at making friends… too good at it. Keeping them however has been a real issue. I’ve encountered gems of human beings on this journey of mine. When I should have held on I went M.I.A misapplying a lesson learned in not overcommitting and doing a thoroughly negative 180°. I’ll be meeting up with a couple every now and then, perhaps even making a few phone calls to rekindle some flames, refurbish some bridges coz that’s all it should take, a little ‘refurbishment’. True friendship doesn’t die that easily.

Lastly I gotta learn to reciprocate love. I have a lovely family and I’ll be the first to admit it. I guess I’m the genius that doesn’t fully appreciate it and I’ve got to make steps in doing so. To be honest… I don’t know how to go about this one though. You’d think one who has been pampered would be a pro at pampering but here I am shocking you once more. SHOCK!

I pray my 22nd year on this planet will be more special than the 21 that preceded it and that these issues that have clearly been holding me back can finally, FINALLY be put to bed.

Thanks.

The Best Landlady

Hey there. It’s me your former tenant; remember?

I used to live in your place 21 years ago.

I’ve just come back to say thanks again.

I’m more grateful for your care than you’ll never know.

 

I was broke without a penny to my name.

The warmth you offered to this day is unrivalled.

Offering me your inner room without shame.

Prepared for me long before my arrival.

 

You fed me well too.

All free of charge!

As a former tenant of your womb.

I can confirm you are the best landlady.

 

 

Thanks For Teaching Me How To Love

“How?” he asks beyond incredulous at this point. “You’ve seen the statistics, you watch the news, you talk to you people, your friends, clients, classmates… So tell me, how? How can you be so naïve? Why do you still believe? It just doesn’t work.”

My answer?

“Ah… but it does. I’ve seen it.”

I’m sure you know the saying: monkey see monkey do. I’ll be the last to call myself a monkey but kids do learn a lot from seeing their parents/guardians in action. I will have you know, this guy’s been doing a lot of seeing, this guy’s been doing a lot watching – when your guard was up or when it was down. I was listening when the words were smooth. I was listening even when annoyance had long barged in. I was learning – I still am – how one ought to love and how one ought to accept being loved.

As your son I’d like to utter words that might seem odd to you now but ring true nonetheless. You’ve done a stellar job! Thank you… and I’m so proud of you. I need look no further for a greater example of how I want my marriage to be. Yes the journey is still ongoing but you’ve done real good so far, hontou ni (there’s that Japanese becoming useful). Obviously this is from my selfish point of view but I hope you keep it up… so your grandkids can learn this lesson from me, their mom… and from you too.

It’s because of you that I can say these words with ease and with meaning. I love you 🙂

So… to my heroes, to my parents, to my inspiration –

Happy anniversary

Killmonger

Killmonger is my favourite character in Black Panther. This is not just because I’m a fan of Michael B. Jordan, but because his character is the most fleshed out out of all of them. Although I do wish a few things were done differently overall I was very impressed.

Human

Takers of joy and light, selfish to the core.

We think of ourselves constantly – nothing more.

Harbingers of pain and death; we pollute the very air.

We often wind up smashing nature beyond repair.

 

We are human.

We are flesh and blood.

Outwardly bright as stars.

Inwardly – dark as mud.

We are human.

 

Our footsteps leave footprints of regret and contempt.

 

Or so I thought.

 

Among our number exist a few,

Who buck the trend and spoil the view…

One can’t argue, it’s for the better.

These human beings live not for themselves.

They break every rule in the rulebook – to the letter.


Imagine shouting, “Hi!” to someone who doesn’t know you.

Perhaps a fool who chose to forget you.

In front of a crowd of your peers.

Unafraid of their jeers; their sneers.

 

Imagine making time when you know you’re busy.

Driven by love and not by pity.

In a time where disappearing is made easy.

But you can’t, lying makes you queazy.

 

Imagine giving your life to save the world,

Dreams tied in a sack and hurled.

(We know not where.)

Focussing on preserving life, not money.

Slightly ‘out of touch’ to put it bluntly.

 

Imagine revelling in the simplest joys.

Plain gifts bring double-joy.

When it seems a tub of ice cream gets you to scream, “I’m highly esteemed!”

 

Imagine singing songs full of the Word.

Strumming guitar strings no one’s heard.

Flaunting not the talent one has.

Humbly covering a soulful soul full of Jazz.

 

Perhaps that’s what it takes to be human,

To be an inspiring man – or a woman.

To be a prevailing light in the darkness.

To be a tender touch in the harshness.

To be praiseworthy furnishing in the starkness.

Perhaps that’s what it takes to be human.

 

The Power Of Defeat

Defeat. Smack! Right in your face. You did not see that coming.

You weren’t walking. You were gliding, baby you were running.

You were sailing real smoothly, everything was glorious.

You very gait and presence seemed to scream: VICTORIOUS! 

Everyone was singing ‘praise be to you’, you were perfection personified.

Now you’re just there to be vilified. They taunt, “You must have been terrified!”

Before every challenge you seemed unbeatable, untameable, invincible.

But that’s all faded away. Your defence is in shambles, it’s so ‘brittle’.

They looked to you to break all the records, you were the headline of all their papers.

Today… today you are used as toilet paper.

 

You were the nailed on winner until…

 

Controversy strikes! What’s this? A rustle in your feathers?

Your superstar team suddenly looks under the weather.

Hadn’t you won before you stepped on the pitch?

You try sew a smile on your face with needle and stitch.

Time goes by. You’ve got nothing in your hands but vanity.

Vaporous dreams vanish before your eyes so you spew endless profanity.

 

Time’s up!

 

Cue the time to taunt you… oh and they do! They laugh in your face.

“Hahahahaha! You a bloody disgrace!”

A spark ignites within your weary heart.

“You thought you were all that! You really aren’t…”

What stings more than loss is the vitriol that comes with it.

An intense smouldering burns deep within. You can barely bear it.

All that potential and you buried it – you’re worth absolutely nothing.

You came back empty-handed yet you said you were going hunting.

That’s less than a zero, you think, might as well have stayed at home.

You come back to no hero’s welcome; in defeat you’re on your own.

You glance at tabloids for reprieve but all you see is your disappointed face.

And it’s plastered. Everywhere.

 

That’s the tinder in your furnace.

 

The crown’s slipped off your head, you’re no longer covered in glory

Smile’s been ripped off your face, you’re beaten, bruised and gory.

“You ain’t no second coming – hmmm, maybe you’re Jesus Lite.”

“Mate!” they laugh brutally. “Have a Goodnight! (I know I will!)”

They mock you in your face, they mock you in your sleep.

“You cocky bastard. You sowed, now reap!”

They say all these words while looking down their chins.

Not knowing their feeding the flames within.

“You never had a chance,” they claim with wide-eyed gazes –

Now this is when the flames become fierce BLAZES.

They viciously shove your face in the muck of defeat.

Not knowing that they’ve just given you the power so this is never repeat-ed.

 

You’re Doing Alright, Keep It Up aka Happy Birthday

Thank God that time has come once more. It’s your birthday and you’re still here to celebrate it. That in itself is something worth celebrating but we’re human and we want more – always. What is the purpose of a celebration? Why, according to a certain online dictionary it is designed for one to enjoy oneself, to honour and to mark as an occasion to remember in the future. In essence when we celebrate someone and said person is still alive and kicking we seek to make them happy and to assure them they are invaluable. With that in mind:

 

What is this? Does she not tire of the effort?

Surely this woman’s insane…

Another invitation, another offered meal, another query regarding my health – too much…

But who am I too complain?

Actually I’ve taken up arms. I shall open my lips. I shall bare my throat and protest.

How could I refrain?

It’s human nature to give back when you’ve been given. Is it not?

Shall I then trade your sunshine for rain?

For you shine as bright as a forest blaze, setting a new kind of example,

Glory wrapped around you like a mane.

Monkey see monkey do I’ve heard. “Don’t just preach it, show it!” they say.

So with you I’ll be plain.

You’re doing alright Nothando, keep it up.

Happy birthday!